I AM a Woman, more now than ever before. 21 days ago we endured the most grueling yet bittersweet experience. Im revealing my most vulnerable reflection & not sugar coating anything... Spent what felt like eternity laboring at home, back labor which made a minute feel like an hour, an hour felt like a day. I went so deep within that I can only recall glimpses of the experience. One that shook me to my core, ill be honest, the thought of childbirth always scared me for no reason other than the beautifully intense path it puts you on. The unknown of it all. You go down a long checklist of things you plan during labor & for their arrival and as much as you try not to, you expect it to all be perfect. Well, I dove into deep waters and this was a rebirth.
I felt every inch of who I was stripped away, cliche maybe, but I am forever transformed, changed, evolved. Already got a taste of what it means to be a mother, the sacrifices we make as parents and the lessons our lil ones gift to us. I faced huge fears- the hospital, surgery, not having my dream home water birth, possibly disappointing myself & my loved ones oh and an infection in my incision resulting in doc appts & now daily home nurse care to upkeep the wound. I had an expectation of how Id heal, the remedies Id use, the herbal sitz baths id relax in, belly Ayurvedic massage, delayed cord clamping, feeling & trusting my body to work for me to deliver our baby so I never looked into Plan B because my heart was SO set on what I wanted.
Of course life reminds you that things usually dont go as planned but what did go as planned was support from my sacred circle Adriany Poluan Blyss Young Aleksandra Evanguelidi Larisa Gosla and my amazing partner Andrew Keegan Who has been by my side through it all especially when shit got real being in the hospital for 5 days as he slept on a chair bed and I was a in my most fragile state. We hibernated & forgot about the outside world as I moved into heal mode.
It was a true surrender. Tested my trust in divine order & showed me how strong I truly was in that moment of letting go. I had to peel away all the layers of who I was to move into this new beginning. Of course I felt a range of unsettling emotions, and still do- did I try hard enough?or did I give in to the pain? Read stats on how hospital births end up in c sections and how toxic epidurals and pitosin is and there I was landing in the statistics. Another number because she was stuck and I wasnt dilating past 7cm but I did what I felt was best. I pushed myself so hard because I wanted to FEEL my labor & prove that I could do it but then I had to make a choice and let go... spiritual awakening...
I know that my healing has only begun and that I will have some great days and some off days as I settle into my new body, new life, new role and embrace our blessing but I now understand what support feels like. I truly am so lucky to have a man who has been my partner, best friend, cook, maid, father, lover and has expanded his heart more than ever during this time. Juggling SO much ontop of our family duties as I focus on healing. I love you beyond words. Its the little things that count... Gratitude for every moment- I got to listen to Simirt Kaur during surgery, we requested no bathing for Aiya and had her placed on me right away.
These were the raw, loving moments after my c-section of feeling pure bliss as they placed her on me. Meet AIYA ROSE KEEGAN 8lbs 3oz born March 15th our gem who chose me as her mother & chose you as her father. She is the MIRACLE that helped me trust & love deeper. I will forever feel blessed that she arrived how she did & for the growth Andrew & I have gone through.
My scar is a reminder that true spiritual work isnt done through action but in our SURRENDER to what is. Warrior Mama.